Photo: Pixabay; accessed 7/3/24
SUPPORTING DECISIONS
By Gail K. Kachnycz on 20 March 2024
During chronic
illness, so many aspects of life are out of the control of the affected
individual. It is important to support the decisions made by your loved one,
since that allows control in some areas. Supporting a decision could be as
simple as providing choices for the day’s apparel, meal options, or activities.
However, things can become more difficult when the choice has a larger impact
on life; for example: how to spend money, where to live, or end of life plans.
In our situation,
it is very important to Mike to manage all aspects of his medical care. He
arranges for prescription renewals, refills, and picking up the medications. He
makes his own medical appointments. A high priority is selecting medical
providers who listen and collaborate in his care. Mike is a medical “zebra,”
that is, someone who does not have typical symptoms or respond to the usual
medical treatments. He has unusual side effects to medications. He needs
doctors who are creative and think outside the box, rather than those who limit
interventions only to the standard treatment protocols.
Sometimes it is
difficult for me, as I watch appointments be delayed because Mike is requesting
a 30 minute session instead of the standard 15 minute slot. He would prefer to
travel to see a doctor who has left a practice and moved farther from us,
rather than just accept another provider at the office nearby. His complicated
medical history and atypical reactions to drugs means it is important to him to
stay with a provider who knows him, rather than explain everything to someone
new.
Unless the
consequence of the decision is dangerous, try to support decisions of your
loved one, even if they are not the choices you would make. Sometimes it means
the result will be “good” rather than “best.” However, making his or her own
decision is a positive action in itself. It will give a sense of control and
acknowledge what is important to your loved one. It can be frustrating, but
recognizing the positive effect of making choices helps shift the focus from
the immediate situation to the long term benefit.
It doesn’t hurt
to suggest an option. How the idea is introduced can increase the appeal. For
example, using the phrase, “What would you think of [X]?” rather than saying,
“Why don’t you do [X]?” which might be interpreted as a challenging statement.
Once you ask what they would think of an idea, really listen as they express
their thoughts. There may be a reason for their choice that you did not
realize. From that point, you can either agree with them, or suggest an
alternative. Once again, use non-threatening language such as, “What if we do
[X]?” or again, “What would you think of [X]?”
Sometimes the
choice will seem totally illogical to you. Once, Mike hung a mirror on the wall
over a stairwell. As a nurse, I had seen the deep slashes caused by broken
glass doors and mirrors. I asked him to remove it. He argued with me, showing
me how securely the mirror was fastened. I replied that in a house of boys,
something could be thrown that would break the mirror, shattering it even if it
did not fall. I remained steadfast in my belief that a mirror over a stairwell
was just a guillotine waiting to happen. Seeing that he would not convince me
otherwise, he removed the mirror, even though he thought my fears were
unfounded. Supporting decisions, even when you may not understand the thought
behind it, goes a long way in showing your loved one that you respect and value
them. Say “yes” whenever you can.
Bible verses on relationships/communication:
Do nothing from
selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more
important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal
interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4 NASB2020
A gentle answer turns
away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
The tongue of the wise
makes knowledge pleasant, But the mouth of fools spouts foolishness.
A soothing tongue is a
tree of life, But perversion in it crushes the spirit.
Proverbs 15:1-2, 4 NASB2020
Children, obey your
parents in everything, for this is pleasing to the Lord.
Fathers, do not
antagonize your children, so that they will not become discouraged.
Colossians 3: 20-21 NASB2020
