SUPPORTING DECISIONS
By Gail K. Kachnycz on 20 March 2024
During chronic illness, so many aspects of life are out of the control of the affected individual. It is important to support the decisions made by your loved one, since that allows control in some areas. Supporting a decision could be as simple as providing choices for the day’s apparel, meal options, or activities. However, things can become more difficult when the choice has a larger impact on life; for example: how to spend money, where to live, or end of life plans.
In our situation, it is very important to Mike to manage all aspects of his medical care. He arranges for prescription renewals, refills, and picking up the medications. He makes his own medical appointments. A high priority is selecting medical providers who listen and collaborate in his care. Mike is a medical “zebra,” that is, someone who does not have typical symptoms or respond to the usual medical treatments. He has unusual side effects to medications. He needs doctors who are creative and think outside the box, rather than those who limit interventions only to the standard treatment protocols.
Sometimes it is difficult for me, as I watch appointments be delayed because Mike is requesting a 30 minute session instead of the standard 15 minute slot. He would prefer to travel to see a doctor who has left a practice and moved farther from us, rather than just accept another provider at the office nearby. His complicated medical history and atypical reactions to drugs means it is important to him to stay with a provider who knows him, rather than explain everything to someone new.
Unless the consequence of the decision is dangerous, try to support decisions of your loved one, even if they are not the choices you would make. Sometimes it means the result will be “good” rather than “best.” However, making his or her own decision is a positive action in itself. It will give a sense of control and acknowledge what is important to your loved one. It can be frustrating, but recognizing the positive effect of making choices helps shift the focus from the immediate situation to the long term benefit.
It doesn’t hurt
to suggest an option. How the idea is introduced can increase the appeal. For
example, using the phrase, “What would you think of [X]?” rather than saying,
“Why don’t you do [X]?” which might be interpreted as a challenging statement.
Once you ask what they would think of an idea, really listen as they express
their thoughts. There may be a reason for their choice that you did not
realize. From that point, you can either agree with them, or suggest an
alternative. Once again, use non-threatening language such as, “What if we do
[X]?” or again, “What would you think of [X]?”
Sometimes the choice will seem totally illogical to you. Once, Mike hung a mirror on the wall over a stairwell. As a nurse, I had seen the deep slashes caused by broken glass doors and mirrors. I asked him to remove it. He argued with me, showing me how securely the mirror was fastened. I replied that in a house of boys, something could be thrown that would break the mirror, shattering it even if it did not fall. I remained steadfast in my belief that a mirror over a stairwell was just a guillotine waiting to happen. Seeing that he would not convince me otherwise, he removed the mirror, even though he thought my fears were unfounded. Supporting decisions, even when you may not understand the thought behind it, goes a long way in showing your loved one that you respect and value them. Say “yes” whenever you can.
Bible verses on relationships/communication:
Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility consider one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:3-4 NASB2020
A gentle answer turns
away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger.
The tongue of the wise
makes knowledge pleasant, But the mouth of fools spouts foolishness.
A soothing tongue is a
tree of life, But perversion in it crushes the spirit.
Proverbs 15:1-2, 4 NASB2020
Children, obey your
parents in everything, for this is pleasing to the Lord.
Fathers, do not
antagonize your children, so that they will not become discouraged.
Colossians 3: 20-21 NASB2020
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