Supporting the Family

 

Photo: Gail K. Kachnycz. Triple S Casserole (Sausage, Spinach, Spud). I always send meals in containers that do not have to be returned. People have enough to deal with!

INTRODUCTION

     As the title suggests, this article is aimed at a wider audience than just the person with chronic illness or the caregiver. The supports listed below are just a few that come to mind. The most important way to help is to listen and identify what the family would consider most beneficial.

 

SUPPORTING THE FAMILY: Practical Help for Bereavement or Chronic Illness

By Gail K. Kachnycz; 20 March 2021 

     It is important to spend the time listening and praying with the family that is grieving or dealing with chronic illness before offering help. Especially with chronic illness, the need for support is ongoing and the family may feel it is a burden to request help more than once. Those who commit to providing support must recognize that there will be demands on their time and energy. There will also be unique access to seeing answers to prayer, changes in situations that seem intractable and details of how the Lord was working in the lives of those touched by chronic illness. There will be opportunities to grow in Christian faith and experience the joy of the Lord.

     Here are some guidelines and practical suggestions for supporting families:

1. Let the family set the boundaries of the relationship according to their comfort level. Expect that they will share the deepest burdens only with a small inner circle, and more general needs with the larger fellowship.

2. Be clear with the family about what kind of support you can provide and how often. Supports can be tangible (for example: meals, household chores) or intangible (examples: prayer, visits or phone calls to provide a listening ear). 

SPECIFIC WAYS TO HELP

1. PRAYER

     Prayer is not “just” prayer, it is fighting battles in the spiritual realm. This is meaty, significant prayer, not just “I’m praying for you” in a general way.

     Prayer is Powerful.

     Ask the person or family for specific prayer requests. Make a note of them, pray specifically, and check later for the outcome. Prayers for healing and symptom relief should minister to the person or family at the level they are ready to share or receive. If appropriate, pray briefly with the person at the time of the request to take action and agree together. Pray at greater length privately. Pray especially for protection from discouraging thoughts and despair. Chronic illness is a daily reminder that we live in a fallen world. The enemy, who brought sin into this world, uses this reminder as an opening to attack the ill person and family on a spiritual level, and in their minds and emotions. Powerful prayers are needed to defeat these attacks. 

2. PRACTICAL HELP

     It is customary in some churches to provide meals to a family after a funeral, after a hospitalization, or a more joyful event such as the birth or adoption of a child. The need for this type of help is usually limited as the sick person recovers or the family adjusts. In the case of chronic illness, the person does not recover, and the periods of adjustment may recur at each progressive level of decline in functioning for their loved one. A family dealing with chronic illness may feel uncomfortable asking for help again and again as circumstances change.

     Practical help can take many forms, ranging from providing an occasional meal or a once a year yard clean-up, to a weekly day of physical care or respite weekends on a regular basis. The guiding principle is to listen to the person or family/caregiver, and find out what would be the most helpful to them. If you have been praying for them and asking for specific prayer needs, they may feel more comfortable sharing areas in their situation where assistance is needed. The support person should also determine how much time or resources they are able to provide, and communicate this clearly.

     Meals are often the first type of assistance to be offered, since everyone has to eat. Be sure to ask about food allergies and food preferences, so that the meal will be safe and appealing. For example, is anyone allergic to peanuts/tree nuts or wheat? If so, nut breads and pasta are off the menu. Sometimes foods contain allergens that may not be obvious; tahini contains sesame seeds and many Asian foods are cooked in peanut oil. Spicy foods may not be appropriate if treatments are causing nausea or oral sensitivity. To truly be a blessing, the meal should be tailored to the needs of the sick person and family. For information on food allergies, check this link:

https://www.foodallergy.org 

     The family may identify other items or services that would be more helpful to them than food. Mowing the lawn might be an immense help, or doing a day of yard clean-up in the spring or fall, or shoveling snow during the winter. Providing rides to medical appointments or shopping trips may be a priority if the family has no car or the illness has impaired the ability to drive. If the caregiver is still employed, s/he may not be able to get time off for frequent appointments. Even the occasional ride to/from the mechanic when the family car needs state inspection or repair, saves time that would be spent on public transit or waiting at the inspection site. Personal energy can be directed toward care of the loved one instead of the logistics of car maintenance. 

3. SPECIAL SKILLS AND RESOURCES

     The family may be confronting decisions they never planned to encounter. The house may need renovation to install an accessible bathroom or build a ramp to the door. They may need guidance to navigate the details of setting up personal care at home or obtaining durable medical equipment such as a power wheelchair or Hoyer lift device. Legal documents such as Wills, Durable Power of Attorney, and Medical Proxy should be set up.

     If you have a professional license/title or training in the skilled trades, you may want to consider offering consultation or service in your specialty. Be clear if this is a free consultation or paid service. If you do not want to provide direct services, even advice on how to locate the proper professionals can save the family time and help them to obtain the services they need.

Connecting the family to others who have dealt with the same issues can also be helpful. The information from the family with recent experience will be timely and they can share their recommendations about the professional services they used. 

4. SOCIAL/EMOTIONAL

     People are created as social beings. It is embedded in our DNA. This is part of God’s plan for humanity. 

     The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” Genesis 2:18 

     A father of the Fatherless and a judge for the widows,

     Is God in His holy dwelling.

     God makes a home for the lonely; Psalm 68:5-6a NASB 2020

Or, God setteth the solitary in families; Psalm 68:6a KJV 

     The very nature of chronic illness and the demands of caregiving tend to isolate the loved one and their caregiver from other people. Providing social and emotional support is essential. The time and effort invested can range from something as brief as a text of encouragement to the sick loved one, caregiver, or both, to offering a vacation home for several days. Once again, boundaries should be clear and the nature of the support offered should be comfortable for all parties. Here are some suggestions for social/emotional support.

·         Texts of encouragement or sharing scripture.

·         Phone calls; be sure to confirm a convenient time.

·         In person visits; arrange in advance and it is recommended that the visit be brief so as not to tire the person.

·         Cards/letter; these have the advantage that they can be saved & read again.

·         Meals; if providing a meal, consider checking if actually eating the meal together would be welcome. A shorter version would be a brief conversation or visit when bringing the meal; confirm beforehand that this is convenient.

·         Recreation; play card games or board games.

·         Share interests; books, hobbies, etc.

·         Day Trips; can the family be included? Managing the needs of the loved one and planning the logistics of a trip may be daunting to the caregiver. Having the support of a travel buddy to make plans and provide help along the way may bring a trip into the realm of possibilities.

     Reaching out to the family will require thought and intentional action. Providing emotional support is not just another task on the “to do” list. However, if it is not added to the “to do” list or calendar reminders, it remains in the realm of good intentions, which does not provide the support that is needed. As you begin to spend social time with the family, or encouraging them in other ways, this type of support will begin to grow from the heart and fewer “to do” reminders will be necessary. 

5. RESPITE/SELF CARE

     Providing respite requires more time and energy than most of the other types of support. Examples of respite/self care are:

·         “Girls Day Out” (or lunch, etc) for caregivers.

·         Watching the kids (or elderly) so a couple can have a date night.

·         Being “on call” to watch children or elderly if the sick loved one must be taken to the hospital.

·         Providing full care for a day, weekend, or longer so that the caregiver can attend an event or travel away out of town.

     If you are providing respite care and the person requires management of medical equipment, you may need training from the family or the medical office that is managing the person’s care. Sometimes being certified in CPR (Cardio-Pulmonary Resuscitation) will be required. Discuss these types of issues with the family so you will have a full picture of what providing respite will be like.

Photo: 2023; Gail K. Kachnycz. Sometimes a work day for yard clean-up is what is needed.